So today I will be mostly falling apart. I am frankly exhausted. I am too busy, and that’s not a boast, I am just too busy, it can’t go on like this. I am so tired I have even developed a twitchy eye (can’t tell you how annnoying it is!), which I discovered via the wonders of google is usually due to ‘extreme tiredness’. great, so now its official (in google terms anyway), I am extremely tired. I could have told you that, oh, yes I did already…
I am stuck between 2 worlds. the one I chose, pre-faith, that I can’t quite get out of yet and the one where God is leading me. Having made ‘the’ decision is great, but I can’t actually do anything about it yet. but I can’t give up those thigns that God is guiding me to either. Those are the things I want to be doing. the rest is just what I am committed to, for now at least. On top of everything else I am having real trouble sleeping, which I haven’t suffered with for a while and needless to say it is not really helping the situation.
So where do I draw the line? I need to step back somewhow before I fall down, but I can’t give anything up. I want to give more time to God, and I have recognised that I can’t do that yet. in time, his time I will be able to. But I just cant, or won’t, give up those few times that I do have with him, seeking him, studying him. So I’m in a quandry as to what to do.
Today I have one of those days where there simply aren’t enough hours. There are things that must be done today and meetings to be had, and yet here I am writing my blog. Classic avoidance technique I’m sure…! I would love to run away from it all and go and hide in a cave for a week (well, perhaps not a cave, a nice B&B somewhere, or stuff that, a luxury spa). yes that’s what I need – a week in a luxury spa. wonder if the hubby/kids/business partner/colleagues would go for that…?
ok well enough moaning, guess I just needed to feel sorry for myself for a few mins, so I will go and get on with the stuff I am supposed to be doing, then I will fall over…. 😉
9 Comments
Finally Free
July 14, 2010 at 11:21 amHi Red,
Praying that God will guide you through, sweetie. I'm glad you can share through writing. Here listening. 🙂
Blessings,
Tammy
Just Be Real
July 14, 2010 at 11:38 am((((Red))))
Here with you.
Seeker
July 14, 2010 at 11:41 amPraying you'll find time today to do what must be done and not worry about what must wait. Hope you find rest soon.
Alan Crawley
July 14, 2010 at 1:23 pmFrom Joan Chittister's Commentary on the rule of Benedict: In Benedict's mind, apparently, the spiritual life is not a collection of asceticisms, it is a way of being in the world that is open to God and open to others. We struggle, of course, with temptations to separate the two. It is so easy to tell ourselves that we overlooked the needs of others because we were attending to the needs of God. It is so easy to go to church instead of going to a friend whose depression depresses us. It is so easy to want silence rather than the demands of the children. It is so much easier to read a book about religion than it is to listen to a husband talk about his job or a wife talk about her loneliness. It is so much easier to practice the privatized religion of prayers and penances than it is to make fools out of ourselves for the Christian religion of globalism and peace.
SS Firedancer aka Soroya
July 15, 2010 at 12:53 pmDearest Sweet Red,
I just want to say thanks for pushing aside your very busy to do list to write on your blog. It was truly a joy to take a peek into the window of your soul and realize that I am not the only one who opts for escapism.:0 But then I wonder perhaps that is a way that God gives us to pour out a little of ourselves and 'wash another persons feet in a sense'. (Their weary walk-I will explain i hope in an up and coming blog entry)
So please continue to pour your heart out. Your frustrations, weariness, and plain ol Ka Ka out so those of us who need to be rejuvenated can take what you may think is a bunch of moaning and spread it out for fertilizer on our life crop. Plus we get the blessing of praying for you and remembering that there is no temptation that tries to take us that is not common life. 1 Corinthian 10:13
~Love and Peace Firedancer
St
July 15, 2010 at 2:44 pmJust a thought; ignore if it's not helpful.
I think that you may have added God to your already busy list of things to do rather than encountered a new friend who will be with you in those things. God doesn't want to stress you out and is not in a rush to add things to your list. Breathe deeply, twitch your eyes and say 'Hey, me and God have a busy day together.'
I've just finished writing a book designed to try and help people such as you but sadly it isn't out until next Easter.
Jules
July 16, 2010 at 11:09 amthanks all for your support and comments, all of which have been hugely beneficial 🙂
the day after writing this I had a definite answer to prayer as I am now able to reduce my working hours almost immediately. didn't see it coming and God was definitely involved!
I do recognise, as both Alan and St pointed out, that God is with me all the time and in everything, its just me that wants to spend time doing the more specific God related stuff, so I put that pressure on myself I know 🙂 Anyway, next foot forward and onward.
thanks all
x
GODthinker
July 21, 2010 at 8:54 pmHi Red,
I found your blog via another blog you commented on. I want to congratulate you on your decision to follow the Lord. It maybe hard at times, but I guarantee it will be worth it.
I can relate to being stuck between 2 worlds. I was there (all be it about 20 years ago.) It took me choosing a hard path to realize there is only one world that's really worth it, His. I want to encourage you to go after Him. It may mean leaving every thing else behind. I had to give up my friends (they were the ones I was partying with), much of my family (God worked that at later), and some of my dreams (He gave me new and better ones I had never even thought possible). It was hard then, but looking back I do not regret a minute. God is so real to me now. Ever step brings me closer to Him. It can be that way for you too. God works out everything for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. You may not be certain of that exact purpose now, but He'll lead as long as you are looking at Him and not back on the world you came from. His purpose is always to get you out of the muck you were in, not leave you wollowing in it.
I invite you to follow my blog. It might encorage you, but don't feel like you must. I am going to follow yours because I care and I hope to bring encouragement to a sister in the Lord.
Jules
July 22, 2010 at 9:46 pmThank you. What great encouragement 🙂
blessings
redx