I wrote this post back in the summer before I had surgery on my back. So if you are reading it now in December, don’t worry, I’m not about to have surgery again, I just needed to leave this for a while to, well I don’t know really, just to settle I suppose. Over the next few posts I’ll be looking back at the summer, when I was recovering, I wrote a lot of stuff then that needed to just sit there for me to reflect on. So now some months later, it’s time for them to come out.
This one I wrote when up to my eyes on painkillers and as you will see feeling a bit, well more than a bit, emotional…
Writing to my kids is not an unusual event. I’m often away for study weekends so I always try and leave them a note, and I pray for words of knowledge for them too which I stash away in places for them to find (usually with sweets attached!). But this…
Well, this is something different. This is the ‘if something happens to me…’ letter.
x 3
I’ve thought of doing this before, and now, well now I am having surgery tomorrow and although it’s not a big op, there’s always the risk of something going wrong. So, TBH, I’m writing this post as an avoidance tactic. I decided to this weeks ago when I knew surgery was going to happen and yet now it’s the last few hours and I still just can’t face it. I cry just even thinking about it.
I mean what can you say? If something awful did happen to me, then a letter like this could have a big impact on their lives, and I don’t want to saddle them with a message from the grave, or a list of things to make sure they do right in their lives. But at the same time, I don’t want to leave them with nothing.
As it is they won’t be carefully thought out, there isn’t the time for that now and maybe that’s a good thing I don’t know, maybe it will be more spontaneous, more full of love, rather than a carefully worded essay.
…oo0O0oo…
A few hours later…
one done…
It’s a mess if I’m honest, crossings out, lines going uphill (as I’m having to write lying down), and I ran out of space. But it is heartfelt, encouraging (I hope) and a few pearls of wisdom in there. ha! who am I kidding? – just a few thoughts I would have told her, have told her actually, but nothing heavy.
I hope she never has to read it, but at least there is something.
…oo0O0oo…
Later still, another one down…
Now of course I’m thinking of all the things I should have said. What about this, or that, what if he thinks that’s not important to me…. thing is, actually these were written in one go with the things that came into my head, so I guess I have to trust God in that. I asked him to guide me so I have to let go of it now.
…oo0O0oo…
And finally…
They are done, 3 letters to my kids, in the event of something tragic happening to me.
I’ve done it but I don’t know, maybe I should just burn them. None of them are works of art, none any great story. And I wonder if I should have spent more time doing this. I’m asking myself, will they read into what I’ve written, will they compare with each other – why did she say that to me and not to her?
I don’t think you can ever write a letter like this that is perfect. It’s just not possible. there will always be something…
I ask myself again why am I doing this? what’s the point? what will they gain? In fact it’s made me think what am I even saying here that I haven’t or wouldn’t say to them?
Well, nothing really.
So is this for my own benefit that I write them? Am I kidding myself? how will it help them? don’t they already know they are loved? and if not perhaps I ought to show it more or tell them more!
…oo0O0oo…
So what do I gain from this? Would what they gain? All it has made me do is think that I should be telling them this stuff to their face, and more often. How often do I tell them how much I love them? How proud I am of them? How I love watching them breathe when they are asleep? Do they know that every night I go into their rooms just before I go to bed just to check on them and say a last prayer. Every night, without fail.
Do they know they are my very reason for living, even when I’m grumpy or tired or cross because they still haven’t put away their shoes or found their coats?
I wonder when they are worried about school, that they don’t know that I don’t care whether they got an A grade, I’m more excited when a teacher tells me how they look out for their friends or are a delight to have in the class. I love when they share together or laugh with each other. I hope that they know how important friendship is and how family is a bond you just can’t make up.
…oo0O0oo…
All these little things, of course I have a lifetime to tell them (I hope), but will I, do I? perhaps I should be writing to them anyway, or perhaps my life, my time with them should just be a continual letter….
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