Ok, so the test came and went, and actually it was fine. When I posted yesterday I admit to feeling pretty low about it all and spent much of the morning praying about it and doing very little work indeed (in this case I was thankful for so few customers!). So by lunchtime I actually felt ok about it and knew that God would be with me.
So it went fine. That’s all I can say. There was no great thunderbolt and no fantastic outcome. I just calmly said what I had to say. Thing is, if I’m honest I was kind of hoping for the other party to do similar. However Other party just calmly accepted the apology and we moved on to other topics.
So I was disappointed. but I realise that actually I did what I needed to do, I forgave and apologised and that was in my control. I am not in control of everyone or everything and that’s a lesson I need to learn. I was in a place ready to move on and be open about it but Other party is maybe not, and to expect a sudden gush of love was an unrealistic expectation. I can only do what I can control, with Gods help of course :)
But… although a little disappointed I realise I have forgiven, because I did not feel irritated, hurt or annoyed by this lack of response, none of the old feelings returned and we actually enjoyed a very pleasant meal together. I realise now that although I have been examining this issue a lot recently, and I needed to in order to move on,it had become a ‘stronghold’ over me, that in my mind it had become far bigger than it really needed to be. I had accepted that was the way it was and nothing I could do about it… I am realising there are many things in my life that have and do allow the enemy in and to get a hold of me. I will seek out those things and hand them back to God with a joyful heart.
Today I thank God for creating this opportunity for me to deal with this, and giving me the courage to go ahead with it. This may not be ‘it’, I may have to forgive Other Party many more times but that’s ok, I have taken that first step.
Ok, so I’m not sure God actually sends us tests to see how strong our faith is, I think there are just situations where the enemy gets a foot in the door, even in someones elses life, that can affect yours, sometimes massively so. That said, today is a test for me. There is an issue in my life which I have to deal with. I have been praying for guidance and even set myself the goal of sorting it out during Lent. However I will admit I have let it drift a bit. In addition to that my business is struggling a bit at the mo and I have just said to God, ok it’s all yours, if it’s meant to be it will be great and propserous etc, if not fine, I’ll know you want me elsewhere.
So, last night was a bit of a deadline in the business terms and my husband and I spent the evening discussing how to deal with it, without approaching the dreaded bank. I had been praying about this and I totally put my faith in God over it. but the day had come and no answer was in sight. My husband and I agreed we needed a miracle, someone to turn up with some cash! and we even decided that we could wait a few more days. Oh, me of little, faith…. I went off to bed, and less than 5 minutes later the phone rang, with someone offering to lend me some money! there was the miracle I needed.
However… in accepting this I have to deal with the past issues. I have to forgive, forget and move on. It’s like God just said to me, ok here is the lifeline you need but, you said you would sort out this other issue and you haven’t so… here you go, you decide! When I got into bed last night I didnt know whether to laugh or cry, well I did both actually. I admit I was very cross and angry with God, I kept saying ‘I’m not ready to deal with this’, but the honest truth is it’s been over 15 years and I am still saying that. I know I have to just accept this, I cannot bring up my hurt and pain because it will just hurt the other person. All I can do is forgive…
So today I am praying for strength, compassion, understanding and love. That’s all I can do, and I know he will be with me tonight, as always.
The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
Ok, so having been thinking about the Father-Child relationship I was reminded of this cool skit. Someone showed me this before I was saved and it really made a whole lot of sense – I blubbed all the way through it! It really does make you think about what god must be feeling when we go away from him.
Click on the link below and hopefully it should take you to it!
One thing I am struggling with on this journey is the feeling that I should love God. I have no problem in him loving me (rather selfish attitude I know…) but when it comes to loving Him I find it hard. I believe, of course, and I am hungry to know him more, but I don’t feel I can say that I love him, not yet anyway. Maybe that is something that comes with time, after all this is a new relationship, in a way. I mean you don’t just love someone instantly the first time you meet them or hear about them do you? So I guess I should just try to get to know him more and then that will come, but it has been bothering me.
I am reading a book called ‘The Shack’ at the moment by Wm Paul Young. Funny how ‘coincidences’ (don’t believe in that word any more…) just happen. And reading this was one of those – 3 people mentioned this book to me in the space of a week and all were raving about it, so I bought it. (I have spent a small fortune on Amazon recently!) At first it took me a while to get into it and whilst I do not want to give away the plot I won’t be revealing too much by saying that the central character meets God. Now when God first appears in the book, it is as a big African woman! I have to admit this instantly put me off, and reminded be of the film ‘Dogma’, where at the end God is revealed and turns out to be acted by Alanis Morisette (for any youngsters she was a 90s grunge rocker) which was, for me, the final straw in a truly awful movie, which the writers try to big up by their statement at the beginning about being believers and not trying to offend anyone and that viewers should have an open mind. Frankly, they needed a miracle not an open mind to make it a good movie, but anyway I am way off the point (this happens a lot, sorry…).
So… I am reading ‘The Shack’. This morning our smoke alarm started going off at 5.30am and then again at 5.45 and then at 6am…. it is clearly possessed and just doing this to irritate the hell out of me, which worked as I swore several times which I haven’t done for a while… Anyway as I was awake and every time I even vaguely started to drift off, it went off again, I gave up and decided to reward myself with some reading time. Hey, maybe it was God, saying ‘you can’t sleep I have stuff for you to read!’ So I had plenty of time to sink into the book. And actually I loved it! and this morning I read something that really made me start to think about the loving God issue. I don’t want to give away the plot but the character has to think about his own children and he wants to put himself in their place, and of course the analogy is that of Jesus giving up his life for us. and this really made me think of the relationship as a father-child one, more than anything else I’ve read. It just made me think wow, he REALLY loves ME, and then it actually made me feel like I was beginning to feel love for him too. I’m not ready to say it yet, I try to when I pray but it feels so false.
Although I tell my kids every day that I love them I find it hard saying it to my husband, even though I do love him. So maybe it’s the same with God, I mean when I look at the facts, what he is doing in my life and how I feel about it all, I think ‘yeah of course I do, I do love him’, but saying it and meaning it are 2 different things. Now is not the time for a whole debate on why I can or cannot tell people I love them, thats a whole other blog! but I guess I felt like I was led to read this book and although it’s fiction, it’s really making me think about my relationship with God. Someone said to me last night ‘he’s probably talking to you all the time, you just haven’t realised it yet – it could be in a movie, in something someone says, it could be where you least expect it, you just have to learn to ‘hear’ it.’ So I guess I need to start listening, I mean really listening!
‘and now these three remain: faith, hope & love. But the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:13
So I have faith, even if it’s just a mustard seed, I always have Hope; and love? well I guess I have to have hope that my faith will ultimately allow me to love…
And the LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye… Genesis 2:9
Putting my testimony into a short version for this blog is proving much harder than I thought. When I typed the whole thing out, really as a record for me, it took up 10 pages in Word (and that was in a small font!). But here is the real basics… there is so much I have had to miss out but it does give you the general idea!
I was brought up in what I used to call a ‘Christian family’. From very young we went to church and Sunday School every week and my father was involved in various roles at the church (still is actually). I was baptised and later confirmed at age 14, although I really didn’t know what I was doing at the time. In fact shortly after this I stopped going to church, I guess I became a typical teenager and just found it all BORING!! However a few years later I did start going to a youth group with a friend at another church although to be honest I think the attraction was more to do with a rather nice chap there, who I subsequently dated! I didn’t really have much faith at this time – I did try to believe and sometimes I thought I did but from what I know now, I didnt really have any faith at all.
In my later teens I went travelling and didn’t go to church for some years. I did the typical teenage thing of ‘going off the rails’ and got into all sorts of things that I am not proud of. That said, those things have mde me the person I am today and if I hadn’t been there maybe I wouldn’t now be following God. We are all the sum of our lives so far and I know the things I went though in these years have made me the person I am today. Anyway I digress…. So, I gave up my uni place and went travelling. Although God was often in the back of my mind I pretty much ignored him during this time. I did lots of very stupid things (drugs, sleeping with people, generally being very careless and foolish) and looking back it makes me shudder to think of the path I was on. I don’t want to make this seem worse than it was, I wasn’t an addict (except to nicotine!) and certainly wasn’t at deaths door but I was on a destructive path, I didn’t really care about myself. I was very insecure and had issues with not eating too, which didn’t help.
To cut this long part of the story short, I ended up pregnant, a long way from home. Despite my situation I knew I could not have an abortion, I just wouldn’t even consider it – from the very second I found out I was pregnant I knew I would have this child. Looking back I realise that it was meant to be, an act of God, and considering the many factors surrounding both our relationship and how we lived it is a miracle I got pregnant and a miracle the baby was born healthy and happy.
I actually left the father (one of the best decisions of my life), came home and settled near my family, who depsite initial reservations (thats a bit of an understatement… :) ) were very supportive. I did go back to church and actually got involved a bit with it, everyone there was very helpful and lovely but still, this was more because I fely I ought to go and not because of any faith.
A few years later I got toegther with an old friend, we fell in love, subsequently got married and had more kids. We continued at the same church (it was very traditional) and even got involved helping out but my heart wasn’t in it and we rarely, if ever, talked about our faith. As I look back I’m not sure why or what I even believed over this time – I think I had some small measure of faith then but I was and continued to be plagued by doubts. If I tried to pray (which let’s face it was not very often, I just got thoughts like ‘no one is listening, what are you doing you idiot…’)
So about 12 months ago I made the decision to stop going to church. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had been confused for so long and the final straw was the thought that my children would go through the same as me – constantly wondering whether God was real or what to believe. That had plagued my life and I didn’t want them to go through that too. We were actually going through a really tough time in our relationship too. 2008/9 was not a good year for us! I felt we were drifting apart and I really doubted my love for him, I couldn’t see us apart but we certainly weren’t together. So in faith terms, throughout this year I started looking for spiritual growth elsewhere – I had no problem believing in a God – I mean just look at Creation….. I always felt closest to God or most at peace being near the sea, or out in nature – being in a summer field for example, but I just couldn’t really get my head around it all and relate that to MY life.
I had been going to yoga for some time (I think I’d done it on and off for about 10 years) and after effectively ‘giving up’ on a Christian God I started to ask my yoga teacher about going on yoga retreats, doing meditations etc, generally I guess I was looking for answers elsewhere. I began to embrace this and having always thought of myself as a ‘bit bohemian’ and being rather arty I felt comfortable that it fitted with me and my lifestyle.
and that is when God showed up!
At this time we were planning an extension on our house and although I was dreading it, it was actually fine, I didn’t get stressed (which is very unusual for me – I am not good with disorder!), we got on well with the builders and it all went smoothly (well, mostly…!) we became friendly with most of the builders, one in particular. I remember one day him saying he would tell me his story when we had time. A few days later (and the timing was totally lousy – the house was really at its worst point with stuff everywhere, my son was ill, I was due to leave imminently to drop him at my mums etc) he started sharing his testimony with me.
This changed my life. It was totally full on right from the word go. I had never heard this kind of Christian testimony before, a real warts and all approach. I was completely blown away. Over the next few days and weeks he spoke to me more about his faith and what he had experienced. Some of it was really hard to believe, real ‘supernatural’ stuff (now there’s a term I had never heard in relation to God before!) and all the talk of Satan, the force of evil, demons and so on. In all the years I had been to church I had never heard anything vaguely approaching this. I wasn’t even sure I believed in hell. But I needed to hear this – My approach to anything in life is not to do anything by halves, I want to know everything about a subject and do tasks with my all. Now, I was totally overwhelmed but couldn’t get enough at the same time. Prior to this I was one of those who thought that if I lived a good life and did the ‘right’ thing I would be going to heaven. How wrong I was! I didn’t even really know that the only way to God was through Jesus. I had always been confused about God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit and all I needed was someone to explain it to me really!
Anyway I can’t remember how long this went on for (but a few weeks I guess) just being ministered to each day, he just shared with me whenever he was here working, over coffee or just chatting and I gradually started asking more questions – things I had always had difficulty with or things I wanted to ask more about and he was totally honest but most importantly totally committed to his faith. I know at times I must have been a pain in the arse, just asking, not always accepting his answers, disputing things, but during this time a few things started to happen to make me think more about it all. There have been way too many ‘coincidences’ (theres a word I don’t believe in any more!) for me not to believe. (I’ll share some of those in other posts…) Eventually he just said to me ‘I think we should pray together’ and that’s when I said the Sinners Prayer on 16th December and gave my life to Jesus, surrounded by chaos, screaming kids and the clutter of life – but it was perfect – that is what my life is like anyway and God knows that!
The very nexy day I led my husband in the sinners prayer too, and shortly after that we started attending a local church – but this time one that is perfect for us. I know that I am saved. That I am starting a relationship with God, that I have a new life, I am reborn. I don’t recognise myself most of the time but it is the most awesome feeling! I know that my life has purpose, in fact I almost feel a bit smug some days (sorry Lord) that I know this great secret that others don’t know. I wish everyone could know it, if only it were so simple :)
So that was about 6 weeks ago and things are still happening, changing, we are so hungry for the Word, hungry to seek God, just finding our way in our new lives and it is AWESOME! If you’re still reading, well done :) I hope you can feel some of my enthusiasm, and reaslie how this has changed my life.
So the inital part is done, I have given my life to Christ, but now I want to live for him, do Gods will, know his purpose for my life, seek him more and that is what this blog is really about. My journey, to seek God, to know him better, to know his purpose for my life so that I can serve him as he wants me to do. I know it will be both wonderous and hideous, there will be highs and lows, I will be tested and tempted, battered and bruised but I know through it all I will have my faith, and He will be right there with me. Where I go from here, who knows, but I will share the journey with anyone who wants to share it with me. I can’t promise to blog every day, or even every week, but I will write about every step of this awesome journey…‘And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age’. Mathew 28:20
Well, here I am, writing now my third blog, but undoubtedly the most important, in fact the others will go… where do I start? well, at the beginning I guess.
So, I start this blog at the beginning (well, almost the beginning) of my new life. My new life in Christ Jesus. Just over 2 months ago I started a journey that really began 36 years ago (eek am I THAT old?!). A journey to faith. THE faith. Faith in God, in Jesus, in the Holy Spirit, and all that entails. This blog is my journey on that road. My next post will be the real intro to this, a short version of my testimony (the actual version took up 10 pages in Word!)
My new life has made me want to re-evaluate every part of my life, every single thing, from biggies like my job to littlies like do I continue to go to my yoga class? So much has happened in the last few weeks that I don’t want to forget and that I feel I should share. Just the few people who I have shared with have made such lovely comments that I feel this is what God wants. And whilst I re-evaluate the rest of my life this is one small thing I can do to share my love of Jesus.
So, this is my story and my record of this wonderful journey I am embarking upon. It will be the full account, the whole warts and all approach, from my heart. So I make no apologies for being enthusiastic, over the top or a religious nutcase :) I will wobble, fail and fall, I will doubt and wonder, I know that. Neither is this is not a manual for being a good Christian, it’s just my journey and I welcome your comments and questions.
So here goes….