falling apart…

This time last week I was falling apart. I wrote the following but didn’t want to post it until I had the results. So before you read this I can tell you all the tests were negative – Praise God – and I truly mean that.

4/7/11
Today I feel like I could go either way. I feel like I am clinging on with the tips of my fingers. I am not going to post this today for reasons that will become apparent but I need to get it off my chest so by the time you read it it will probably be 2 weeks after the event…

I have been back to my GP today for the umpteenth time. My white blood cells are still low (although marginally higher than they were..). I am still tired. nothing new. Today my GP was away so I saw someone else. She came up with lots of new tests to send me for (joys…) but ultimately she thinks it is probably CFS. She wants to refer me about this and also to the blood specialists but in order to do that she has to tick varous boxes first, including testing me for lots of scary things like Hepatitis and HIV.

She told me about this in a rather blase way, ‘don’t worry, just need to tick them off..’. but she still asked me about former partners and all that. Thing is, my youth was rather mispent. I was not careful. So this has worried me rather. Not for me actually but for my family, because if any were to come back positive (unlikely as it may be) then my husband and my 3 kids would be at risk too. That completely freaks me out. I lost it in the car on the way home, snot, hyperventilating, the lot. not a pretty sight…

Before I went in to see her I was almost wishing that something would show up so they could treat it, however bad it might be. Leukemia had been going through my mind after a (very foolish) google search for low white blood cells. Netdoctor is a bad idea..!  and now look. probably the worst possible thing that she could have mentioned, was mentioned…

Today I am particularly tired which is not helping. I sat down for prayer time after school drop off and started to nod off. I had only been up 2 hours! So my defenses are defintely down today. I have had time to pray and reflect on this morning and feel much calmer now, but it is there lurking in the back of my subconcious. And on top of that I know that if they are negative I am no further along anyway. Just more tests, and referrals. Man it is so boring. I am so fed up with this. I had been starting to feel better and as soon as I try and get involved in some stuff again I crash.

As I said I feel like I am hanging on my by fingernails. I could so easily fall into this pit of self-pity and despair but I will not allow myself. I do not do that. I am strong. But then maybe thats’ what I should do? in order to really feel God is in control and to let Him catch me, do I have to let go? I’m not sure I know how to anyway…

I know I just need to trust Him but in order to do that I really need to know what he wants me to do, what I should be dropping for example, and yet I am just not hearing from Him at the mo, so I feel completely stuck. I feel like just chucking everything in. Literally everything.  How can I trust him when I don’t know what he wants me to do? I am trying to listen, really.

today:
So today I got the results and I am so pleased they were negative (UNDERSTATEMENT) although as I said above I am no further along. I have to wait another 2 weeks to go back about the referrals. I was a mess last week. I had a meeting at the office after I wrote the above and although I had promised myself I would be strong I ended up sobbing, (so embarrassing) which actually turned out to be the best thing as I had a lot of prayer that day after that! I feel stronger this week. I know God is with me, and although I am no further along I have made some decisions about the future and am taking it more easy. Quite enjoying being a domestic queen today actually…(not sure how long that will last..)