My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
I often hear people utter in prayer: ‘less of me and more of you God’.
I don’t know about you but I really can’t stand it. It just makes no sense to me at all. Oh yes I know what the sentiment is, before you all holler: it recognises our own brokenness and the need of a saviour, I get all that, we want to be more like Jesus. But for me, focussing on that phrase just leads us down the path to self denial, to dark and condemning thoughts, it leads us away from the truth that God made us, that he knit us together in our mothers wombs.
Look, of course there are always the few who think the sun shines out of their own derrieres, but there are many many more who question themselves, not fully convinced of their identity in Christ. Lack of self worth and recognition of the talents and characteristics that form us into unique and beautiful individuals, leads us away from God, not to him.
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
In the same breath that the Psalmist asks God to search him, to sift through his heart, to seek out the specks of offense, to lead him into the light, he notes:
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
So wouldn’t a better prayer be: ‘more of the me who you made me to be and more of you God’?
I write less than 48 hours after being ordained a Priest in the Church of England. 72 hours ago I was heading off to retreat with my fellow Curates, feeling utterly convinced of my own brokenness, less than prepared and with a host of reasons why God was wrong about sending me to this.
(I know it’s common to feel that way and it was suggested to me over the weekend that if I didn’t feel that way I shouldn’t be doing it anyway).
I was walking towards the retreat and Priesting with my head hung low, making my bed in the depths. And yet over that 24 hours God spoke to me saying:
Where can you go from my Spirit? Where can you flee from my presence? all the days ordained for you were written in my book before one of them came to be.
Gently lifting my head, speaking precious words over me and leading me towards the way everlasting…
It all started with a few words: ‘I’ve re-discovered Jesus through you…’
– an unexpected email arriving moments before leaving for retreat gushed with such love and encouragement for my ministry. I believe God sent me those words to break through the wall of condemnation I had built around myself. To remind me that I am doing what he has called me to do. That really it’s not about me, it’s about him, and about the people round me. I’m just the bee busily buzzing round in the middle, hoping to pollinate those I come across with the potential for new life, for transformation and growth. I sobbed as I read that email, knowing that yet again God was peeling back the darkness and revealing his truth.
Then a few hours later, a suggestion from an advisor to focus on Psalm 139. I know it well of course, but an hour spent sat in the gorgeous surroundings of the Bishops Palace Garden, and taking in those words peeled away more. Noticing the beauty in the detail of God’s creation all around me, a robin coming to join me for a snack so close I could see the detail in his tiny feathers, the light glinting in his beady eye fixed on me, seemingly searching my heart. As I sat, prayed, wondered and read, those words spoke warmth and validation into my soul afresh.
And then the words of the Bishop himself, ‘charging’ us afresh for the ministry of a Priest, encouraging us to be ourselves, but ourselves with Christ in us. That people see our face – they want to see our face, our humanity, our reality, our humanness, not a ‘clerical cardboard cut out’.
Then finally the moment arrived, my robes which felt so alien just a year ago, now feel like a faithful friend (though I’ve only worn them a handful of times!) and we process in together, surrounded by those who have taken this journey before us, those who stand and support us now and those who are beside us in the work we are doing.
You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
We stand and face the congregation as they are asked to affirm their support for us, I am face to face with my Vicar – someone who knows me, has seen me in distress, in anger and in doubt. And as he looks me straight in the eye and tells me he supports me and will pray for me and encourage me, I feel those last bits of self doubt falling away.
Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
Then one at a time we kneel before the Bishop, again someone who knows me well, who knows my frustrations, my hopes and fears for the church, and in spite of this he prays for the Holy Spirit to fill me, equip me for the office and work of a Priest, gives me a bible and anoints my hands asking for the empowering of God upon me.
We turn and stand before the congregation to rapturous applause and cheering and I am undone.
Despite my self doubt, despite my failings, my mistakes, my frustrations, this feels right. It seems completely insane, I still wonder why God has called me to this, but I know it’s right and recognsing the gifts God has given me and my characterisitcs, they are there to enable me to fulfill this role. Traits I’ve thought were negatives in me, suddenly become essential tools for ministry; emotions that I find hard to handle, appear as necessary to support others; and my wilfullness and stubborn nature become the backbone I need to survive ministry.
I feel affirmed.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
So, Lord, now as I step into this future, I pray :
more of the me who you made me to be, and more of you God.
TraceyJune 12, 2017 at 11:11 pm
I have been following your blog for a a few months, after coming across it by accident one day when searching for inspiration for leading intercessions. I find myself drawn to and blessed by the refreshing raw honesty and “realness” with which characterise your writing. I woke up this morning, with a head filled, once again, with those “dark condemning thoughts” you describe and then your blog post landed in my inbox with its message that I’m not alone in my self-worth struggles and some Holy Spirit-inspired words to show me how to turn it all around: ” more of the me you made me to be and more of You, God “. Psalm 139 has been my favourite since my days at University long ago and your post today has helped me to see it with fresh eyes. Thank you!
Vicar’s like you are the very people our churches need to bring about real transformation. God knows the plans he has for you, and I’m sure I am not alone in feeling a sense of joyful anticipation as I watch this space to see what He has for you in the months and years ahead. You were called for just such a time as this – in your church, in your community, in our nation. Rise up on eagles’ wings and soar, in His strength and power, sister-in-Christ.
JulesJune 26, 2017 at 3:33 pm
Thanks so much, that’s so encouraging to hear. Bless you x
Cecile GillardJune 13, 2017 at 7:41 am
Thank you, a super piece. Prayers and good wishes for you as you begin the exciting next stage in your ministry. Please keep sharing the wisdom and encourag meant in your posts, when you can – lov the positive approach, it resonates with my understanding (absolutely not in God’s nature to be harsh and punitive and judgemental ……).
UkViewerJune 13, 2017 at 2:46 pm
I can remember BAP and how things were for me, and I have loved how I have been able to follow your journey since. It was obvious to me, once I had read a few of your blogs, that you were destined for the Priest Hood, despite your own ups and downs and struggles.
Three weeks ago, I was licensed myself at Rochester Cathedral as a Reader/LLM. I suspect that similar emotions filled us. Our retreat was in February which was a power experience. The presence of the Holy Spirit alongside us as we lived and shared in community for three days, including an hour or so on spirituality – this affirmed some of the things that I felt, particularly how I see and imagine the sacramental moments in worship, as the whole of Worship, and indeed the whole people of God, and his creation.
I still feel an occasional nagging longing for the path that you took, but I am sensible enough to see that the pathway that God has chosen is much more suitable for my limited gifts and talents, and I have the privilege to serve in areas outside the parish, alongside our Community Deacon, whose ministry is enormous and sacramental in it’s own right.
I pray for God’s grace and blessing on your future ministry and for your family, whose support has helped you to come so far.