Ugh, just had one of those days today….
You know when you need to rant, shout, get angry at God and then consume vast amounts of chocolate, wine, or better, both.
These days don’t happen often. In fact it’s funny because today we were discussing a ‘strengths test’ we had done for work and my top strength was ‘positivity’… yeah well not today. Today is a shout, drink wine and eat chocolate day.
And I’m not one of those people who will post a cryptic ‘need chocolate’ or ‘crappy day’ status on Facebook in order to gain sympathy or get people wondering. Come on, everyone has FB friends who do that and I’ve got to say it’s soooo annoying, and often not to mention, not particularly Christian in it’s content either. But on the other hand I feel the need to express my irritation and frustration, so I’m blogging it. You might say that’s not much better than FB, and perhaps that’s true, but I kind of see my blog as an outlet where I’ve always been open and honest and it is a way of expressing myself when I need to. I’ve never written in order to gain followers, sympathy or friends, I’ve always written for me, because I need to, so I am not going to stop now because I am worried about being one of those FB people…
And what makes it worse of course, is that I can’t actually say anything about why I’m feeling crappy and nor can I even post it on the relevant day (so by the time you read this, it may have been some time past…), so by just saying I am feeling pants leaves me in exactly the position of said FB users that I have just criticised…. oh the irony….
So, anyway today I feel pants. I am angry with God. Something I prayed about just yesterday (at length I should add!) and felt so enthused and excited about, is clearly not going to happen. I feel let down, I feel angry and I feel, yet again, like God is holding all the cards and not showing me a single one of them. In fact more than that I feel like he’s allowed me to believe I know what some of the cards are, even when he knows I am completely wrong, like some kind of divine card trick.
I chatted to my husband earlier and he started trying to placate me, I said “don’t try and make me feel better, don’t tell me it will be ok, just tell me,’ I agree it’s all crap’ and then I’ll be ok”… so he did. Sometimes in the heat of feeling pants you just need someone to stand next to you, rather than someone trying to get you out of it…
So there we go.
Pants pants pants pants…..