well nothing is ever simple is it? I felt great last week. Finally felt like I wasn’t going round the twist, had just about got over the denial, and well, all seemed rosy. How things change so quickly.
From there I went into total reverse. I don’t even know why, there is no cause for it, no one said anything negative to me (the opposite in fact), but what I do know is that I wanted to crawl into bed and stay there for a week. I was hit with a massive amount of doubt, disbelief and negativity. The worst since our big renewal of faith. The old voice was back – ‘but what if it’s not real’, ‘is God really calling you?’ ‘is there a God?’. On top of that all is going pear shaped at work, some misunderstandings that have got totally out of control, one of those situations where you aren’t entirely in the wrong but you have to eat huge amounts of humble pie in order to keep the peace. its do not fair!

I can’t explain how all consuming all this has been. I don’t want to pray because I feel like I am letting God down, I am not worthy enough for him to even listen to me, I can’t be trusted. One of those times where what you really need to do is ‘press in to God’ but where you just can’t face it. I feel afraid. Of what I don’t know, I just have a pit of fear in my stomach. I feel like I am on an edge. That I could go either way – one way sees me walking in to my calling and being strong in my faith. The other sees me dropping off into no mans land and hiding my head and not thinking, so I don’t have to deal with it all.

There is a part of me saying, ‘pull yourself together woman, for goodness sake’. Another part saying,’its the Devil – you have made some pretty important spiritual decisions and so he’s pretty darn pissed off, he will get at you whatever way he can’. Another part just avoiding the whole issue, which is not helping at all.

My heart knows all the answers. My heart believes totally in a loving and living God, who loves me and is calling me to do the good works He has planned. My heart cannot imagine a life without Him. My head, on the other hand is listening to the lies and doubts and creating obstacles along the way.

Needless to say the main argument I am having with myself is, ‘how can I possibly even consider going any further with this when I cannot categorically say that I know God exists?’ This side of me just wants to be a ‘normal’ Christian, someone who is happy in their faith and lives their life by it, but in a ‘normal’ life. Why do I have to step out and have a bigger role like this? I don’t need to. I am happy being me thank you. Oh gosh, this is worse than the denial – bring back the denial please!

No idea where to go with this. need to pray but can’t focus on it. Am finding so many diversionary tactics – was even digging the veg patch a moment ago, despite the fact that it was nearly dark. So instead I’m trying to get it all out here, might make me feel better.

Is this a stage? does everyone doubt their calling once they have finally accepted it?! Lord, help me…

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  • Reply
    October 5, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Without presuming to know your circumstances, I should say that this is completely expected. Call it the devil or your own reactions after a spiritual high, probably a bit of both.
    The great thing about discernment is we don't have to do it alone. God gives us wisdom when we talk and pray with other Christians. Hope you are able to do that.

  • Reply
    Alan Crawley
    October 5, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    I know of someone who waited until they had started training to lose their faith. Luckily they got it back before they were ordained!

    Also, nearly everyone I know ran away from their call, and I know it took me into my curacy to feel at home with it all – which doesn't mean never doubting anything – but of course we can never know – only have faith.

  • Reply
    GOD thinker
    October 5, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    This sounds like a demonic attack. The enemy does not want you moving forward with God. He wants to keep you stuck and confused. The best way to fight this type of attack is by taking every thought captive.

    This means if you have a thought that is full of doubt or fear, you literally stop thinking it and replace it with the truth from the Word.

    Sometimes I literally have to do this ot loud. I say something like "That is a lie. God has not forgotten me. The Word says I will never be forsaken and that He hears every prayer". It may take some bit of this before the enemy gives up and leaves you alone.

    Jesus used the Word to combat the devil in the wildreness and it is our best weapon as well.

    Prayer is another efective weapon. The Lord is a strong tower we can run into and be safe.

    Putting on a favorite worship CD also helps.

    Lord, I pray for Red right now. I pray you would give her the strength to fight. I pray she would recognize the lies of the enemy and reject them. I pray you would surround her with Your Spirit and lead her into truth. Give her wisdom and courage. Speak to her about her destiny and give her dreams and confirmation. Bless her with Your presence and help her to not give up. In Jesus name, Amen!!!

  • Reply
    October 5, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    Ah, Alan is of course referring to me.. thanks mate 🙂 He found me wandering around at the course and identified it as 'the abyss', which he had been through too… He told me it would be ok in the end, and it was although I've not been the same since 😉

    I don't believe in the devil, but I do believe in God most of the time these days – which is good 🙂 good enough.. I'm sure you have learned that you only have to be a good enough mum… same is true with vicars… (I hope!!!)

  • Reply
    October 6, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Sounds like an attack to me. So Praise God, the opposition is obviously worried that another key player is entering the Heavenlies. Stand firm!

  • Reply
    October 6, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Guys, thank you all. I don't want to be too gushing but this blog is really helping me out at the mo, in that getting supportive comments like these is really encouraging. Thank you all so much. I REALLY appreciate it. 🙂
    love and hugs
    red x

  • Reply
    October 8, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Sounds v.familiar. I've got my first diocesan level interview next week – apparently she's razor sharp, so there's hope for a rejection yet 😀

  • Reply
    October 8, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    LOL Jonathan and good luck!!

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