well nothing is ever simple is it? I felt great last week. Finally felt like I wasn’t going round the twist, had just about got over the denial, and well, all seemed rosy. How things change so quickly.
From there I went into total reverse. I don’t even know why, there is no cause for it, no one said anything negative to me (the opposite in fact), but what I do know is that I wanted to crawl into bed and stay there for a week. I was hit with a massive amount of doubt, disbelief and negativity. The worst since our big renewal of faith. The old voice was back – ‘but what if it’s not real’, ‘is God really calling you?’ ‘is there a God?’. On top of that all is going pear shaped at work, some misunderstandings that have got totally out of control, one of those situations where you aren’t entirely in the wrong but you have to eat huge amounts of humble pie in order to keep the peace. its do not fair!
I can’t explain how all consuming all this has been. I don’t want to pray because I feel like I am letting God down, I am not worthy enough for him to even listen to me, I can’t be trusted. One of those times where what you really need to do is ‘press in to God’ but where you just can’t face it. I feel afraid. Of what I don’t know, I just have a pit of fear in my stomach. I feel like I am on an edge. That I could go either way – one way sees me walking in to my calling and being strong in my faith. The other sees me dropping off into no mans land and hiding my head and not thinking, so I don’t have to deal with it all.
There is a part of me saying, ‘pull yourself together woman, for goodness sake’. Another part saying,’its the Devil – you have made some pretty important spiritual decisions and so he’s pretty darn pissed off, he will get at you whatever way he can’. Another part just avoiding the whole issue, which is not helping at all.
My heart knows all the answers. My heart believes totally in a loving and living God, who loves me and is calling me to do the good works He has planned. My heart cannot imagine a life without Him. My head, on the other hand is listening to the lies and doubts and creating obstacles along the way.
Needless to say the main argument I am having with myself is, ‘how can I possibly even consider going any further with this when I cannot categorically say that I know God exists?’ This side of me just wants to be a ‘normal’ Christian, someone who is happy in their faith and lives their life by it, but in a ‘normal’ life. Why do I have to step out and have a bigger role like this? I don’t need to. I am happy being me thank you. Oh gosh, this is worse than the denial – bring back the denial please!
No idea where to go with this. need to pray but can’t focus on it. Am finding so many diversionary tactics – was even digging the veg patch a moment ago, despite the fact that it was nearly dark. So instead I’m trying to get it all out here, might make me feel better.
Is this a stage? does everyone doubt their calling once they have finally accepted it?! Lord, help me…