So, as I approach my delayed (possibly last) meeting with my vocational advisor I feel ready for a battle! not really sure why. But I think it has something to do with the fact that I have had several people telling me over the last few months that discernment is about jumping through hoops, doing as one is expected, just to get through. This has felt totally wrong to me. I am not someone who hides their feelings. I tend to be outspoken, people know where they stand with me. I don’t want to be going through this process hiding who I am. And aside from that I am not desperate to ‘get through’ anyway, this is about being called by God to a vocation, it is about doing His will, not furthering my own ambitions (because lets face it it’s not what I would be choosing..) and being dishonest doesn’t exactly fit with Gods will, does it?
I am never going to fit into the mould they want anyway – I will never be anglo-catholic (famous last words..), I will not be traditional. So why should I give them the impression that I might? I mean, I don’t want to seem arrogant or not open to new ideas, because I am, totally open and hopefully not arrogant! but it seems bizarre to be going into an organisation almost pretending to be someone else. Because isn’t that what it’s down to? if I deliberately withold what I think, or allow them to think something about me that isn’t true, then that is basically lying. I think it’s fair to say that if I were in a different diocese things may be different. I may not be feeling so pressured in this way, but that is irrelevant because I am here and that is not about to change.
So I feel, approaching this meeting, that I need to be totally open with her. Obviously I won’t be rude (!) but at the same time I need to be totally ‘me’. I am also aware that there is a chance this may jeopardise the process, or that they will give me a heap more stuff to do on the back of it, and so it is with some trepidation that I write this, but above all, I feel that if this is Gods will, then it will happen. And I need to do this being true to myself and to my God. End of…
So tomorrow I will let you know how it went and if I am still in the process or not! wish me luck, or better still, pray!