For some months now I have been suffering what I can only call a mystery illness. I am always tired, extremely so (having to sleep in the day that sort of thing), I get bouts of nausea that are alarmingly similar to morning sickness (but bearing in mind its been going on for months I think I’m ok on that front, thank the Lord…). These spates of tiredness and nausea can appear with little or no warning. At first I thought I was working too much, then I thought it was because I wasn’t sleeping enough, then I began to worry. Others noticed and commented. Eventually I went to the doc. (which was not easy, I have a thing about going to the Drs, I really don’t like it). Blood Tests followed, all of which were negative, apart from raised white blood cells – apparently a sign of a lingering virus. But after a second batch of tests, all were clear. In the Autumn, I began to feel a bit better and then went down with a flu/cough number which went on for weeks and compounded the tiredness.
Where I am usually outgoing and raring to go, I am now a bit pathetic. I don’t want to go out, I am refusing to make dinner dates and even a night away with my husband is making me fearful. So now I find myself in a funny position. Apparently there is nothing wrong with me. Yet I still have these symptoms, but I also find myself wondering if I am making it worse by worrying about it, like it could be psycological. I do have a lot more time on my hands so I have the luxury of being able to worry about it. If I were busier would I feel better? Could I ignore it? Or would I be worse? I know I needed to slow down and take a break from the way I was filling every second of my life. And now I have the time to slow down I can’t seem to settle in to it. Part of me thinks that God has given me this time, to have a break and to spend time seeking Him more (perfect preparation for going into Mninstry I am sure!) and the other part finds the concept of not doing much very alien. This last week, every morning after dropping the kids I have come home, lit the fire and had 2 hours of bible reading and prayer. It has been wonderful. but there is such a sense of guilt about this time. Surely there are hundreds of things I should be doing rather than sitting here. But then what is more important than seeking God and spending time in His presence?
My husband is very sympathetic about my tiredness and has said, ‘you may never get this time again, so enjoy it’, but every now and then I sense a slight irritation in his voice or a lack of understanding. comments like ‘well we both had such a busy weekend I think we’re still suffering from that’ do not help. It’s not like I have some awful illness that I can actually say, I have xxx, which would give me a ‘right’ if you like, to be feeling ill. Tiredness affects something like 70% of the population at any one time, from any number of complaints. But its like a silent complaint – you can’t really evoke peoples sympathy with ‘tiredness’. not that I want sympathy at all, it’s just hard to explain to people why we’re not going out or why I don’t want to go for a walk or why I can’t come to that meeting.
It’s so pathetic. I feel pathetic. This is not me. I am used to being a driving force, to being the one with the ‘get up and go’, to be driving forward new ideas. I am not someone who shuts themself away and has to rest. It’s so F***ing boring. grrr….
Sorry, I felt the need for a rant. This post was actually going to take a comepletely different slant about the way we view ill people – that will ahev to do for another day – but there we go, perhaps I needed to get out that frustration. Perhaps I just need to accept that for the time being I need to be more restful, that it is a ‘season’, that it won’t be for ever (I have faith that it won’t) and just relax into it.