Church of England & Ministry Uncategorized

Why You Should Plan Your Own Funeral

churchyard with the sun going down, graves and wildflowers

Ok I know it’s not the sort of thing you might want to be thinking about, but hear me out. Whatever your age or life’s circumstance, thinking about what might happen to you after you die is really important. And once you’ve done it and made a note of it, then you can forget about it until the time comes! Here’s some guidance on why it’s important to think about this in advance and how to plan. This document only really cover the basics and there are other options out there but this will give you an outline guide anyway.

Why Plan?

As a Vicar I’ve held many funerals and come alongside a lot of grieving people. Perhaps the most helpful thing for us both in this circumstance is when the person who has died has thought about what they want to happen to them after they die and shared it with someone close to them. Imagine how hard it is for a loved one dealing with grief to then have to figure out what sort of service to have and where, and what to include. Planning in advance might give you peace of mind but also for your family or those left behind. If you don’t have significant loved ones who might organise a funeral, then it gives you the opportunity to plan what you’d like. If someone dies with no family and no plan the local authority will organise it for you, which is terribly sad.

Who is a funeral for?

Well of course it’s all about the person who has died, but more than that a funeral, memorial or celebration of life is also for those still alive; your loved ones, family and friends. It’s their opportunity to remember you, celebrate you and mark your passing. Some people when planning for death chose a pre-paid direct cremation service because they think they are helping their loved ones and saving them the hassle or heart ache, but actually holding an event to remember someone is a really important part of our grief. I’d advise anyone thinking about direct cremation to think really carefully about it and to talk it through with your loved ones.

How to plan

Firstly it’s worth saying you don’t have to have a funeral but by law your body must be ‘disposed of’ legally. My advice would be to use a local Funeral Director that is locally owned and run. In my experience local firms (as opposed to big chains) are much more in touch with the options in your area and are usually very well informed. They will be more than happy to run through the options and plan something in advance, keep a record, and sometimes have pre-payment plans as well. As noted above if you are considering direct cremation do think very carefully about what this means. Some people like to donate their body to medical science, this doesn’t mean you can’t have a funeral, it just most likely means your body won’t be present. Again do discuss this with your loved ones if this is something you’d like to explore.

What are your options?

There are of course many ways your life can be celebrated but some of the most common are:

Funeral – (in church or other place of worship, crematorium, funeral directors, at a graveside or elsewhere). Usually this means a coffin containing your body will be present at the service. Cremation or burial usually happen as part of or immediately after the service.

Memorial Service or Celebration of Life – again this can happen in many places and usually happens after your body has been laid to rest.

Direct Cremation – this means your body is taken to be cremated at an undisclosed location or time with no service.

Burial or cremation? – the most common ways to deal with a body are to have it buried or the ashes interred after a cremation. These days there are other alternatives but availability in the UK is limited. You may also prefer your ashes to be scattered rather than interred. Generally speaking you need the landowners permission to scatter ashes although in my experience this is rarely sought. It is worth just thinking through where you might like ashes scattered, for example how public is it, what will happen to them etc. In most cases a rainy or windy day will do the job of scattering them anyway.

Burial in a churchyard – In terms of burial, these days many churchyards are full and therefore closed to new burials so it’s best to ask your local vicar where they have assigned for burials. However even a closed churchyard may have space available for internment of ashes, again just ask your local vicar. Although it was once more common to book a burial plot in advance, in the Church of England this requires a ‘faculty’ – a bit like planning permission and has to be applied for and paid in advance (a separate cost to the funeral). With the next of kin’s approval you can be buried or have ashes interred into an existing grave if there is space.

It’s worth noting that both churchyard and cemeteries have regulations about headstones and what can and can’t be put on a grave so if you have something in mind you can check in advance whether that is acceptable. Also note you are not buying the land/ site of burial, you pay for the right to be buried there, this is often misunderstood.

Where? 

In actual fact you can hold a funeral wherever you like so long as the venue is happy with it. If you are a person of faith you may want to have a service at a place of worship. In the Church of England anyone can have a funeral in church although it’s worth bearing in mind the service will be overtly Christian in content. Most common places to have a funeral or memorial are churches, crematoriums, funeral directors where there is space, and natural burial grounds. Anyone can conduct a funeral but it is most common to use a faith minister, funeral director or independent funeral celebrant.

What to include

Once you’ve thought through the what, when and why, then have a think about what you’d like included. Don’t feel you need to plan the entire thing, but some pointers for your loved ones are very useful. Think about what are the key points you would really like included. 

Do you have favourite hymns, songs or pieces of music you’d like played or sung? Would you like a poem read? Will someone share something about your life? You might like to leave those left behind to decide who to do this, as they may find it difficult after your death. Most ministers or celebrants will be happy to share something or read something written by your family. If you have a service in church this will include a Bible reading – is there a particular reading you like or have heard? If there is a particular reason you are planning your funeral such as a terminal illness you might like to talk to a minister or celebrant in advance. As someone who takes funerals I find it easier to make the service more personal when I have known or at least met the person before hand.

What to do when you’ve planned it?

Once you’ve thought some of this through do chat to your loved ones. It’s not the easiest conversation to have but explain to them you want to help them out when the time come. You could try to make it light-hearted, perhaps chatting over dinner or a drink. You could even ask loved ones for suggestions of what to include, or encourage others to plan at the same time.

Make a note of what you’d like, perhaps in your will (another thing you should really make sure you have!). Writing it down, even in your will is not legally binding for funeral instructions, but as noted above it is very helpful. 

Finally make sure someone knows where the information is stored – ie: on your computer, with a family member, at the Funeral Directors (and which one).

Why use a church?

Just a final note from my experience, after all I am a vicar! Of course funerals in churches will be Christian in content but you don’t have to have been a regular attender for it to be worthwhile. Churches are usually at the heart of their community and known by many as a place of peace and solace, not just for worship. Many people feel they have a connection to their local church even if they don’t attend – I often find family members at funerals telling me they were baptised here, married here or have other loved ones in the churchyard, so it brings a deeper connection for many. Most churches will also have follow up support for those who need it, some offer bereavement courses, in others the minister or person in charge of pastoral care will follow up on the bereaved after the event as well. This can be a real comfort for those left behind.


So, planning for your funeral is not morbid or weird, it’s actually super helpful and worth doing!

Where to get advice/ more help

Local Funeral Directors

Good Funeral Guide / https://www.goodfuneralguide.co.uk

Church of England Funerals/ https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/funerals

You Might Also Like

1 Comment

  • Reply
    minidvvr71
    January 31, 2025 at 7:40 pm

    I am involved in funeral ministry in my parish, and firmly believe that we offer an excellent service. And I am a Virger for funerals in Church, I also dig the graves for burials of ashes in our garden of Remembrance. So closely involved and have been for 10 years or so. Nov I am involved in a family funeral for my Brother in Law, My wife’s younger brother, her other brother is organising the funeral and had considered direct Cremation, but having seen their parents funerals, both at a Crem, and the scattering of their Ashes as the same place, decided to follow that example. So we will have a very similar funeral, with a Civil Celebrant and some input from my spouse to talk about David, as she is the eldest child. She is an Anglican, as are the whole family, but not being “in Church”, despite all being baptized and confirmed, never really got into the habit of attendance. So, for them, this is a funeral that they know and expect as the norm. I am comfortable with that, pastorally because at least the celebration of his life will be from the heart, from those he grew up with, and at a place and location familiar to them. Much better than a direct cremation and than some sort of problem of dealing with the Ashes. I have seen articles in the media about how many funeral directors have ashes in store needed claiming.. The one who was interviewed on TV about it, was actually on of the FDs who we have regularly in our Church. And thankfully we can at least offer families a choice for the burial of their ashes, in marked plots, where they can visit, lay flowers and sit in benches around the garden to remember as they wish.

Leave a Reply