I feel like I am in limbo.
It’s a funny old place to be at the moment with one thing ending and a new one not yet begun. I know I wrote about being in transition recently, but this is worse. I had told myself I wouldn’t begin to process it all until after my Easter study week. Unfortunately for me Easter Study Week is now a memory and my own enforced deadline is here, well in fact it has passed. Cue melt down…
But for now there will be an interlude, my kids are still off school and I really need time to think and pray through things. I had a little wobble at the end of Easter School but I felt myself putting the lid firmly back on it all for now. I simply haven’t the time or energy to think through the enormity of what is about to happen.
Because it is flippin’ enormous, let’s face it.
I know a few others have been feeling the same at this stage, which is in some small part a comfort. At least it’s not just me on the verge of losing it every 5 minutes. And I’m not the only one saying: I can’t get ordained, I won’t get ordained, I don’t believe in ordination – and everything in between.
So for now I’m in ostrich mode, head in the sand, deal with what’s in front of me only. My prayer walks, usually my time to engage with God, seem to be rather bland, and whilst frustrating I feel it’s a necessary place. It’s me of course, holding him at arms length but I can’t face the open and honest prayer time that I really need right now.
Next week I can allow myself to process.
SuzanneApril 7, 2016 at 8:53 am
Oh my heart goes out to you X I think we all have these wobbly times. How ever painful it is we need to fall backwards into Gods arms and let him carry us through it. It’s scary and terrifyingly out of control but it’s what we need, even when we have Him at arms length. Have a good shout and scream (yes hard to do when you have a family to care for) , let go and let God do and be in our life. I do mean this in a positive way and will hold you in my prayers x
JulesApril 7, 2016 at 4:40 pm
Thanks Suzanne. You are totally right and I am praying it’s just I don’t want to allow myself to start processing as I know it will need some time which I don’t have this week! next week I am sure there will be shouting, screaming and tears!
AlanApril 7, 2016 at 10:56 am
I think most of us go through this. Just hang on to the thought that this isn’t because you are worthy of it, but that God has called you to it.
I find this passage from Joan Chittister helpful (but Lesley doesn’t): “When in his sixtieth year after the death of the Kotzker, the Gerer accepted election as leader of the Kotzker Hasidim, the Rabbi said: “I should ask myself: ‘Why have I deserved to become the leader of thousands of good people?’ I know that I am not more learned or more pious than others. The only reason why I accept the appointment is because so many good and true people have proclaimed me to be their leader. We find that a cattle-breeder in Palestine during the days when the Temple stood was enjoined by our Torah (Lev 27:32) to drive newborn cattle or sheep into an enclosure in single file. When they went to the enclosure, they were all of the same station, but when over the tenth one the owner pronounced the words: ‘consecrated unto the Lord,’ it was set aside for holier purposes. In the same fashion when the Jews pronounce some to be holier than their fellows, they become in truth consecrated persons.””
JulesApril 7, 2016 at 4:42 pm
Thanks Alan, what a great story, definitely helpful! x